Aging with Purpose in Childhood
Children are experiencing, doing, and learning everything for the first time. They are building the foundations of identity, emotional intelligence, and social skills. As parents, our responsibility is to provide them with the safety and structure they need to flourish as children now, teenagers later, and adults in the future. Every interaction is an opportunity to teach them how to fish.
Step 1: Attach the worm to the hook
Children are capable of independence from a young age. The problem with this, however, is that we often confuse independence with isolation. If your child is a 4-year-old, they can begin to learn how to attach the worm to the hook, but at no point will you allow your child to do this unsupervised. You will provide relatively more structure and support in the moment, but allowing them to try, try, try again develops their resilience and distress tolerance. Hurrying them, doing it for them, or avoiding it completely, leads to children feeling incapable, helpless, and insecure.
Remember: At one point in our lives, we all attached a worm for the first time.
Step 2: Cast the line
We often forget that children are children – they're only as capable as their little bodies and minds are able. And yet, every child is different. Generally speaking, I would not expect a 2-year-old to cast a line as far as a 6-year-old. Now, there might be a well-developed 2-year-old who might surprise you; I have seen a 3-year-old with a better golf swing than me. So, let them cast the line as they are able, to the degree to which they are able. Be present, be patient, and allow them to figure it out. Let them struggle. Let them fail. Let them make mistakes. Let them trust themselves. Let them see that you trust them.
Remember: It is not about how far you cast your line; it is about learning how to cast it.
Step 3: Reel in the fish
Power struggles are our problems, not our children's. Play tug-of-war with a fish on the line, and you will most likely end up with a broken line and no fish. Power struggle with your child, and you will most likely end up with frustration, tears, and disconnection. To reel in your child successfully, you must understand who they are and what they need. More often than not, children crave choice, not power. Give them choices within boundaries, limits, and structure. Find ways to cut the slack, so that reeling them in will not become such a tedious task.
Remember: You are in control of the fish; the fish does not control you.
If you or your child would like more support in this area, please don't hesitate to contact us. Restoration Psychology can see children as young as 2 years old. Reach out today!