Have you ever found yourself in a relationship with someone else (romantic, familial, platonic, or otherwise) that led you to the mountain top of receiving praise, affection, attention, and security in one moment only to be left feeling empty, hurt, confused, and questioning yourself completely in another? What I will discuss in this post is incredibly common, and it is likely that everyone will have to navigate these waters at some point in our lives because we are human beings with the propensity to hurt one another, intentionally or not.
Love and Health Are Not the Same Thing
Just like not all healthy relationships are inherently full of love and affection for one another, the presence of love does not automatically make a relationship healthy. In fact, we can easily operate in unhealth with the people we love most in this world. You can deeply love someone, yet still experience chronic anxiety, emotional instability, the need to walk on eggshells, repeated boundary violations, and the feeling that you are small, unseen, or unsafe. Love can be understood as a feeling of deep affection for another. When we understand love as action-oriented, it is important that we pair it with health. Health is about patterns, safety, and respect.
Your Nervous System Tells the Truth
While our nervous systems certainly are not perfect indicators of our surroundings (as they interpret current experiences through the lens of past experiences, not always providing us the most accurate or appropriate responses), they are a well of information that we must practice paying attention to rather than ignoring. Especially in relationships, it is easy to override our internal cues because love feels compelling. Here are a few questions it might be helpful to ask about significant relationships in your life: Do I feel regulated or chronically activated when I am around that person? Is there repair after we have conflict? Do I feel secure or hypervigilant with them? If you find yourself justifying a certain relationship by saying of it, “But when it’s good, it’s really good,” this might be another valuable cue that something is not totally right. Intermittent reinforcement like this creates powerful attachment bonds, making it incredibly difficult to create any sort of distance with that person.
Attachment Patterns and the Role They Play
Sometimes we confuse intensity with intimacy, anxiety with chemistry, and familiar dysfunction with connection. While attachment is an incredible dynamic that can be healed with just one experience of what psychologists call “secure attachment”, it is important that we are careful not to simply replay old attachment patterns (often marked by anxiety, avoidance, or both) in the attempt to finally get it right. What we want is a corrective experience, not the reactivation of old wounds that are actually harmful to both people.
Don’t Miss This
To be clear, the last thing I want to communicate here is the present cultural messaging around hyperindividualism that says, “Cut anyone out that is not serving you.” These generalizations are harmful and lead people to, at times, deadly isolation. The goal is not self-centeredness and self-reliance. I believe we have all been created for loving relationships with other human beings. The goal is beautiful, healthy, life-giving expressions of these that result in flourishing all around. Where you are experiencing anything less, here is your invitation to begin to uproot the weeds of unhealthy patterns and sow new seeds of health.
If you found yourself resonating with any of the themes I highlighted here and not knowing where to start, I encourage you to consider reaching out for help. Maybe, for you, that looks like seeking counseling right now. Relationship struggles are large part of my work, and our entire team at Restoration Psychology is always ready to walk with you. Your relationships do not have to feel this way. I firmly believe that hope is within reach for you.
We offer in-person sessions at our centrally-located office in Centennial, CO. If you’re a little further away, don’t worry we also offer virtual sessions. Don’t hesitate any longer, reach out today!