As parents, we try to do what’s best for our kids. Are we perfect? Nah. And that’s okay, because they’re pretty resilient. But, when we know better, we do better. So, let’s talk about co-regulation – the interactive process between you and your child to help them regulate their big emotions when they can’t seem to do it by themselves. Why? Because their brains, and the prefrontal cortex specifically, is not fully developed. Through co-regulation, you can help your child or teen manage and regulate their emotions in a way that benefits their brain development.
What is co-regulation?
Co-regulation is a mirroring process where an overwhelmed brain “borrows” a calm brain to ground and regulate themselves. This can happen between friends, coworkers, partners, spouses, and parents and children. When the amygdala is activated, your brain and body go into fight-flight-freeze. Your alarm system goes off, and it overrides and takes over everything. Brains who have experience and practice regulating themselves, can engage the prefrontal cortex to ride out the wave and manage the fight-flight-freeze response in a functional way. Brains who don’t have experience and practice regulating themselves, get caught up in the alarm system and get stuck in a fight-flight-freeze response.
Think of it this way: A regulated brain helps a dysregulated brain regulate, and the dysregulated brain learns how to regulate itself.
How do I co-regulate my child?
First, you need to be calm. Calm is not the absence of chaos; it’s peace in the chaos. Regulation is not perfection – it is the ability to be present to your heart, mind, and body. When you can do this, you can help your kid do this. You have permission to be a human being, dealing with all of life’s worries, anxieties, realities, and responsibilities. You will become dysregulated; that’s an inevitable fact of life. How you handle your dysregulation will be a model for how your kid does too.
Second, be a thermostat, not a thermometer. You set the temperature, not your child. Have you ever noticed your child look at you to figure out how they’re supposed to react to a situation? This is developmentally appropriate! They’re learning about the world from you in how you act and react. When their little brains are dysregulated, there are a lot of questions that are getting answered – implicitly and explicitly.
“Am I safe?”
“Can you keep me safe?”
“Am I okay?”
“Do you still love me when I have big emotions?”
“Can you handle my big emotions?”
“Can you handle me?”
How you respond to their dysregulation, informs them about who they are when they are dysregulated. It also communicates whether they have permission to be dysregulated, to have big emotions, to be human.
Can therapy help me co-regulate my child?
Yes. While counselors and therapists have different styles and approaches, therapy can help with learning how to regulate yourself, so that you can also help co-regulate your child. Some therapists may have more experience working with kids and parents, and can speak more directly about practical applications to the skills and strategies you’re developing. If you’d like to learn more about parenting support or therapy for your child, feel free to reach out to us. At Restoration Psychology, we have a team of systemic psychologists, therapists, and counselors who can help. You can send us an email at info@restorationpsychology.com or give us a call at 720-647-1522.