Setting healthy and effective boundaries can be hard. We can’t control how others respond to them or whether they respect them. And yet boundaries are innate in all relationships. The question is not “if there are boundaries” but is “what are the boundaries?” Think about all your relationships right now. Every single one of them has spoken and unspoken rules about communication and connection. How often are you allowed to text or call? What kinds of things are you allowed to talk about? What things are you not allowed to talk about? How often do you meet up? How often is too often to meet up? Your relationships exist within boundaries whether you know it or not. Here are four things to consider when thinking about building healthy boundaries.
Building Healthy Boundaries
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Develop a Strong Sense of Self
People flourish when they have a strong sense of self and a strong sense of belonging. When individuals are poorly differentiated and have a weak sense of self, it can lead to either losing their individuality in the relationship or a termination of the relationship. Healthy boundaries allow people to feel both valued in their individuality and that they are accepted in their relationships.
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Recognize and Manage Triangles
In conflict, people can turn to third person for support and create a triangle. For example, when two friends fight, one of them might confide in another mutual friend instead of addressing the conflict directly. While this can be a helpful space to process, it can also prevent effective conflict resolution. Healthy boundaries promote direct and honest communication.
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Handle Emotional Cutoffs with Care
Avoiding or severing ties with others due to unresolved conflict might feel like an easy solution but will leave relational wounds that affect other relationships. While cutoffs can be appropriate in certain circumstances, handling it and yourself with care can help improve overall relational health and sense of self.
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Cultivate Emotional Maturity
There are two basic motivating forces in life: fear and love. Fear causes us to react. Love frees us to respond. Emotional maturity and resilience is not a lack of emotions but an integration of emotions. This involves identifying your emotions, recognizing your triggers, managing your distress, communicating your needs, and being intentional in your actions. This also includes knowing where your emotions end and where the other person’s emotions begins.
Final Thoughts
Healthy boundaries are as much about you as they are about the other person. While boundaries are often thought of as a one-sided enterprise, healthy boundaries require a mutual commitment from both parties. There is an ask for both individuals in the relationship to make an effort, practice self-awareness, and expand their emotional resilience. It’s not easy and the risk of betrayal, disappointment, and hurt is ever present. And yet there is something extraordinary about a relationship in which you can be authentic and free, known and loved, seen and heard. I think most, if not all, of us desire relationships like that, but our fear keeps us stuck. So, prioritize your emotional health, own your shit, and take a risk. My hope is that as you read this, you think of a few people in your life who are willing to practice healthy boundaries with you, and that through those relationships are willing to open yourselves up a little bit more to all that life has to offer. Let’s dare to be human.
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