June is an amazing month, except perhaps for all the cottonwood seeds floating around like a summer snowstorm. For many, June marks the beginning of summer vacations, longer days, and warmer weather. It is also the month in which we celebrate Father's Day. As I have reflected on Father's Day this year, I have found myself thinking not only about fathers, but about father figures; the men whose wisdom, presence, and example help shape us throughout life. Fathers and father figures often teach us many things, but two of the most important are healthy boundaries and emotional awareness.
Healthy Boundaries
The father-in-law of Moses, Jethro, provides a wonderful example of a father figure helping a younger man learn healthy boundaries. The story is found in Exodus 18. The Israelites had recently been delivered from Egypt and were being led by the Lord through the wilderness. During this journey, Jethro came to visit Moses, bringing with him Moses' wife and sons.
While there, Jethro observed Moses spending his days judging disputes among the people, from morning until evening. Seeing this, Jethro helped Moses recognize that carrying the burden of leadership alone would eventually
wear out both Moses and the people he served. Jethro was drawing Moses' attention to the
limits of his time and energy. He encouraged Moses to identify and empower other capable men to help share the responsibility.
I believe Moses' predicament remains common today. We often possess a youthful confidence that convinces us we can do more than we actually can. Many of us are tempted to believe that if the work is going to get done, we must be the ones to do it. As a result, we fail to ask for help, and we fail to invite others into meaningful responsibility. Like Moses, we need wise people in our lives who can help us recognize our limitations and embrace healthy boundaries. Sometimes the wisdom we need comes simply from those who have walked farther down the road than we have.
Emotional Awareness
Country musician Ashley McBryde has a song about her father in which she describes him as "the kind of man it feels good to be around." I appreciate that description. Have you known someone like that?
My guess is that not everyone has.
I have a friend named Kevin whom I consider a father figure in my own life. Kevin is one of those men that feels good to be around. One of the primary reasons is that he is emotionally mature. He is aware of his own emotional health, and I never feel him attempting to get something met in himself through me. Kevin does not spend time with me because he needs validation, admiration, or affirmation. He meets with me simply to love, encourage, and care for me. There is something deeply freeing about being around a person like that.
Emotionally mature people tend to understand what is happening inside of them and take responsibility for it. They do not require others to manage their emotions for them. They are able to listen without becoming defensive, remain curious when challenged, and stay present even in difficult conversations. They know their strengths and weaknesses and are not threatened by either. Spending time with people like this is not only refreshing, but also formative.
Unfortunately, too few of us have fathers or father figures who model this kind of emotional maturity. Too few of us have relationships where we are free to be ourselves while learning and growing in the presence of someone who is emotionally healthy. Yet these people do exist. My encouragement is to seek them out. Ask them to spend time with you. Observe how they navigate
relationships. Watch how they handle disappointment, conflict, and success. Ask them about the journey that helped them become who they are. Learn from them and allow their example to shape your own growth.
One of God's kindnesses is that He often provides guides, mentors, and father figures along the way; people who help us see what we cannot see ourselves. Through their wisdom and example, we learn healthier ways of living, relating, and loving.
I do not believe
counseling is a substitute for spending time with healthy fathers and father figures, nor do I believe father figures are a substitute for counseling. The reality of our broken world, though, is that not all of us have these kinds of
relationships available to us. If you, or someone you know, would benefit from having a counselor walk alongside them as they learn
healthy boundaries and grow in emotional awareness, please
reach out to us at
Restoration Psychology. One of
our counselors would be honored to hear your story and walk with you on that journey.